


If You Don't Let It Out You're Gonna Let It Eat You Away

by SeraphStarshine



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Paris (City), Recreational Drug Use, basically I got bored last night and wrote this cute mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7975366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Ross couldn't imagine not loving John, not being with him, not falling asleep with him each night and waking up with his long hair splayed all over the place each morning, and his recent purchase proves that.</i>
</p><p>Or the soft Raughy engagement fic that no one would write for me so I had to do it myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Don't Let It Out You're Gonna Let It Eat You Away

Ross paces back and forth through the small hallway separating the bunks which is a nervous habit of his that rarely shows itself unless he's got something heavy weighing on his mind. His hand digs into his pocket, fingering the ring he's hidden there since he can't think of anywhere else to stash it where it won't either get discovered or lost.

It's for John of course - who else would it be for? Ross had bought it last night on a bit of a whim when he'd passed by an open jeweler's on the way back to the bus, and although he wasn't actually planning on proposing to John anytime soon, once he'd seen the sign for the shop, Ross realized it's something he's been wanting to do for quite some time.

He ended up choosing a simple silver band, which is John's preference over gold, and much to his delight, the place offered engraving services as well, so he'd had them carve _"I will never stop loving you"_ on the inside.

Those words will never fail to have Ross's stomach fluttering and his heart swelling with adoration, even so long after John had first texted them to him during one of their rare spats. Ross can't imagine not loving John, not being with him, not falling asleep with him each night and waking up with his long hair splayed all over the place in the morning, and his recent purchase proves that.

But now Ross is left with the task of deciding how to do this, which he's hitting a bit of a wall on. He has no idea when he should pose the question, or where, but he knows he wants it to be as special as John is to him.

Ross is currently debating over if he should hold off until they return home which they aren't scheduled to do for quite some time, but that doesn't sound very appealing to him although it would give him more options to work with. Now that he's got the ring in his possession, he's been filled with a sense of impatience that he so rarely feels, but he can't wait for John to be his on paper, maybe even to take his name - _fuck_ , there's so many things that this gesture involves which he hasn't properly thought about.

Ross never truly envisioned himself getting married, not that he doesn't want to be, but before John, it was hard to keep a steady girlfriend with the band always on the road, and although he'd been quite fond of a few of the women he'd dated, he'd never found anyone that he could see himself spending his entire life with.

Then John had started touring with them, and everything had been turned on its head, including Ross's sexuality. He'd assumed he was mostly straight before he met the other man, because he'd always been with girls minus a few drunken hookups, but it was hard to claim that label when he found himself instantly drawn to John barely the second after he had learned his name.

Ross had tried ignoring his feelings, because _yes_ \- he was attracted to the saxophonist, but he didn't want to stir things up with the band, or to risk John wanting out if they shared a fling and things ended badly, but his good intentions had evaporated when John took a liking to him as well, transforming from a close friend to his constant companion to his boyfriend all in the span of a year.

Ross swears that they were made for each other, he'd even go so far as to call them soul mates if those exist. They'd just fit from day one, everything had fallen into place for them like the path had already been paved and they only needed to start down it.

They've officially been together for two years now and Ross is still smitten with John, which is something he can't see changing. He's even gone so far as to be a bit more public with their relationship, although they haven't come out properly yet, but neither of them really feel the need to. Their friends and families know, which is more than enough for the both of them.

That might change though once Ross takes this next step, because a wedding will follow of course, and word will inevitably get out once preparations start. John will probably want a big ceremony, if he says yes that is - _fuck_ , he has to say yes, Ross doesn't want to consider any other option.

Ross pulls out the ring for the hundredth time that morning, not needing to worry about John seeing it just yet since George had sent him and Adam off for coffee, which Ross suspects means that he and Matty are doing filthy things on the poor sofa in the front lounge while assuming Ross is still asleep, but at least they're keeping it down this time.

Ross wonders briefly when and if Matty and George will ever get married, although they practically already are in everything except name. Ross is tempted to go seek them out so he can distract himself from his proposal plans for the time being, but he'd rather not see either of them naked again anytime soon.

But as if thinking about the man had summoned him, Matty appears in the entrance to the bunks just then with his clothing blessedly on although his curls are suspiciously rumpled even more than they usually are. Ross attempts to stuff the ring into his pocket before Matty can see it, turning to face his bandmate with a stiff grin once the item is obscured once more.

"What are you doing moping back here," Matty asks, "and what was that in your hand?"

"Nothing," Ross shrugs, attempting to push past Matty before he can interrogate him any further, only to be blocked by George's wide torso when he enters the small space as well.

"Oh - hey Ross," George stammers out, a flush staining his bare chest which only has Ross rolling his eyes affectionately, "you been up for long?"

"Calm down George, I didn't hear anything if that's what you're worried about, and even if I did, that's not exactly new."

"Sorry mate, thought you were still knocked out," George mutters sheepishly.

"George," Matty cuts in while Ross tries to make another escape attempt, "Ross is hiding something from us."

Ross winces at Matty's words, internally cursing his friend's curious nature and the complete lack of privacy that comes with living on a bus half of the time. It's not that he doesn't want his bandmates to be aware of what he has planned, but knowing Matty, he'll get excited and accidently end up telling John everything after he's had a bit too much to drink, and Ross wants to avoid that scenario from occurring for as long as possible.

"Didn't know I had to share everything with you Matty," Ross tries to laugh although it comes out in a bit more of a croak instead, "now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the loo, unless that's something you want to share with me too."

Ross exhales in relief once he's left Matty and George's inquisitive stares behind, patting his trousers briefly to make sure the ring is still safely tucked inside before locking himself in the bathroom although he doesn't really have to go, not wanting Matty to find another reason to be suspicious of him even though Ross is certain that he already is.

~~~

The ring continues to wreak havoc on Ross's mind as the weeks pass and he hasn't found a perfect way to propose to John. It's obvious that people are starting to notice, and not just Matty who pesters him about his stroppy countenance whenever they're alone and occasionally in public as well.

Ross is trying to act like he usually does, but he's more nervous and on edge than he's ever been. He's snapping often and going off by himself whenever he can to try and calm himself down, which never seems to work for long.

It's creating unnecessary tension between him and his bandmates though, especially John. He isn't blind to Ross's mood swings of course, and no matter how many times Ross promises him that he's fine, he can tell by the look in John's eyes that he doesn't believe him. He hates the fact that John most likely assumes that he's lying to him, but he can't explain himself either without exposing his intentions, leaving Ross even more frustrated than he already is when John gives him a wounded look that cuts him to the core.

Ross knows he's being ridiculous, but this is important to him, and he can't fuck it up. The longer Ross ponders possible scenarios, the more exasperated he gets until it reaches the point that he's considering not proposing at all to save himself from this emotional distress.

He wouldn't really do that though, because he loves John, and he'll suffer through anything to be with him, but _fuck_ \- he's going to mess this up if he doesn't receive some guidance. He's not good with romantic scenarios, so although he's nervous about letting anyone else know about his secret, he finds himself outside of Matty and George's room the next evening seeking advice that he's most likely going to regret asking for.

George is thankfully clothed when he opens the door, which shouldn't be surprising since they'd only just arrived at the hotel not too long ago, but Ross wouldn't put it past the two of them to start fucking around the second they were inside.

George smiles sleepily at Ross while leaning on the wall, his lax expression and the smell emitting from him letting Ross know that they've been smoking recently. Ross hopes they at least went out on the balcony so they won't have to pay an extra fee for leaving the room reeking of weed, but knowing them, they most likely didn't bother with anything more than cracking a window.

"Wanna come in?" George asks lowly, his arm gesturing behind him when Ross nods quickly in agreement.

"Hey mate, what's up?" Matty emerges from a literal mound of blankets when Ross enters the room. Ross can't help but chuckle when he realizes that Matty actually took the duvet and sheets from the second bed and piled them in the center of the one he's on, the laughter easing some of his nervous tension as he perches himself on the edge of the mattress delicately.

"I - I need your help with something," Ross confesses in a quiet voice before he can change his mind, the rest of his sentence sticking in his throat even after he clears it roughly, speaking mostly to Matty since George has ambled off into the kitchen.

"Oh god - you're not breaking up with John are you?" Matty asks in a panicked voice, immediately jumping to the wrong conclusion with a conviction that Ross finds amusing as well as unsettling. "George I told you something was wrong didn't I, and look, I was right."

"Actually you're very off the mark, it's the complete opposite of that," Ross corrects him, watching Matty's face scrunch up as he tries to decipher Ross's statement, his eyes going wide once he finally unravels his meaning, which Ross had been hoping he would so he wouldn't have to say the actual words aloud.

" _Wait_...you're not proposing are you?" Matty asks hesitantly, a grin stretching across his face when Ross's lips twitch upward, which is all the answer Matty needs. "You are! That's incredible, did you hear that George?" Matty yells, finally drawing George's attention away from the refrigerator he'd managed to stick half of his body into by this point, which is quite a feat considering George's size.

"That's wonderful mate," George beams as he crosses the room before collapsing onto the bed ungracefully, sending Matty bouncing upward as his larger weight hits the mattress with a soft thump, "do you have any food with you?" George asks once Matty's resettled himself in his mountain of blankets, ignoring Ross's scoff entirely in favor of staring up at the both of them with wide eyes.

"No Georgie, but if you hush we'll go get some in a bit. Ross needs our help first though," Matty chides his stoned boyfriend gently, his expression transforming into one of adoration when George wraps himself around Matty's waist lazily.

"But I'm hungry," George mumbles, his eyes slipping closed when Matty begins stroking his lengthening hair gently.

"Just ignore him," Matty chuckles, "we found my old bong, and I don't think he's used to it after smoking spiffs for so long. Let's get back to you and John."

"Alright," Ross sighs, tearing his gaze away from George who now seems to be half asleep in favor of locking his gaze with Matty's. "So I bought the ring yeah, but now it's like I'm stuck. I can't settle on anything, and I want it to be worthy of John you know, but I keep drawing a blank on how to go about it."

"He'll love anything you do Ross, I'm sure of it, but if you want some ideas, I think I have a few."

"Please?" Ross all but begs much to his chagrin, but he's not afraid to admit that he's desperate here, and he's sure that whatever Matty thinks up will be a million times better than leaving him to his own devices. "I'd like to do it soon I think, I can't wait until we return home. I'll probably go crazy if I have to keep this secret for much longer."

"Well we play Paris next," Matty reminds Ross, "and I can't think of a better city to get engaged in, but don't be too cliché, no Eiffel Tower shit. If I were you, I'd keep it simple overall, take him out for a lovely evening, do some sightseeing - _wait_ , I remember this perfect spot from the last time I was there. It's basically an old bridge sort of thing, well more like a walkway since there's no water, but the architecture is beautiful, and I think it's near a restaurant that has excellent food too. If you hand me my laptop, I can try to find pictures, maybe George and I could sneak out there beforehand and string it with fairy lights, John loves those. I think I still have the ones I stole from that photoshoot a few months ago, and I bet I could even get some rose petals too..."

Matty continues to ramble on as Ross retrieves his computer, releasing a low grunt from George when Matty elbows him in the chest as he opens it. Ross smiles without any hint of strain for the first time in weeks as Matty begins showing him potential places for his proposal, his friend's love and support strengthening his resolve and convincing him that he can do this - he _will_ do this, and despite the stress this ordeal is putting him through, he'll hopefully be with John in the end, which is the greatest reward he could ever ask for.

~~~

Ross isn't at all shocked to find that he's a nervous wreck when the day he's planning to ask John to marry him arrives. He hadn't been able to sleep last night after their show, leaving him to toss and turn fitfully in the hotel bed until it reached the point where John actually shoved him in an effort to get him to stay still.

John had agreed to what he thinks is a simple date, they're planning on heading out later on so they can observe the sunset as they walk. Matty's convinced the rest of the band and even some of the crew to help him decorate the arch and do their best to keep people off of it, which Ross isn't sure will succeed since it's a public area, but he's also learned not to doubt Matty when he puts his mind to something.

Now Ross just has to keep calm until the big moment arrives, which he can do - _maybe_. His nerves are already thrumming with energy and his legs are twitching under the blankets, but he's sure he'll tire himself out eventually, either that or he'll spontaneously combust.

"Love, why are you up?" John mumbles tiredly when Ross accidentally bumps him during his thousandth attempt at trying to get comfortable, lifting his head so he can peer at Ross through hooded lids. "The sun hasn't even risen yet."

"I'm sorry, I can move to the other bed if I'm bothering you," Ross offers, not wanting to disturb John's rest with his pointless fidgeting, maybe he'll even go for a walk until he feels properly tired, although wandering around in an unfamiliar place at the crack of dawn probably isn't one of his best ideas.

"No, stop doing that," John snaps with a bite of venom that shocks Ross, his throat closing up when John shoves his hair out his face before shooting Ross an angry look. "I'm not asking you to take off, you've been doing that for weeks, what I want is for you to tell me what's going on in your head, because something is obviously bothering you."

"I'm fine sweetheart - _really_."

"But you're not," John sniffles quietly, his shoulders slumping in defeat when Ross smiles down at him weakly. "I'm not stupid Ross, I know you better than that, but if you don't want to tell me, that's fine, it's not like I've been worried sick about you lately or anything."

"John please don't think that way, it's nothing," Ross pleads, cursing himself for upsetting John barely a minute into their first conversation of the day.

Ross isn't usually like this, he's always composed and relaxed, but this proposal and the slim possibility of it going badly has been eating away at his self-assurance, and he doesn't know how to soothe John without ruining everything. "I've just got some things on my mind, but they'll work themselves out soon."

John doesn't respond with words, he simply curls around himself while scooting as far away from Ross as he can, his withdrawal sending arrows of despair shooting into Ross's spine when he tries to touch John's shoulder only for him to flinch away from the contact.

"I love you baby," Ross whispers, his words emitting in a choked off fashion that showcases his emotional state, doing his best to open himself up to John as much as he can without revealing what he has planned for this evening. "John?" Ross asks when John remains silent, his heart seizing in his chest when John turns his head in his direction slightly, giving him a glimpse of his watery eyes that look to be seconds away from overflowing.

"I love you too, but I hate when you lie to me."

~~~

John almost refuses to go out with Ross later, leaving him in a panic as he tries to mend the cracks he's unintentionally created in their relationship by his necessary secret. He's tempted to just say fuck it all and ask John to marry him right then and there, but he manages to refrain, promising John he'll explain himself after dinner which earns him a tiny grin and eventually gets John out the door.

Ross had dressed up a bit more than he usually does, putting on a blue suit that's not too wrinkled from being stuffed in with the rest of his things for far too long. John is wearing all black, which looks amazing on him, but so does everything in Ross's opinion.

John's mood lifts visibly once they are outside, the crimson streaked sky drawing his gaze until he's smiling properly for the first time all day. Ross wraps him arm around his waist firmly, pressing a swift kiss to his cheek that has John giggling softly while he leans back into Ross's hold.

Some of the tension bleeds out of Ross's muscles now that it seems that John's not as miffed with him, and hopefully after tonight, everything will make sense and he'll head back to the room with a fiancé instead of a boyfriend.

Dinner goes smoothly as well, John seems to love the place much to Ross's relief. They both try French dishes that they haven't tasted before, and although John ends up stealing half of Ross's sole meunière by the end of the meal, they both leave satiated and bubbly thanks to the wine they shared with their food.

Ross's stomach begins to clench with fear as soon as they get up though, but he forces himself to ignore it, linking his hand with John's so he can lead him in the direction of the bridge Matty had showed him the location of the other morning.

"Where are we headed now?" John asks when it becomes obvious that they aren't walking in the direction of the hotel, his fingers gripping Ross's briefly as he glances around curiously.

"It's a surprise," Ross whispers, delighting in the excited expression that crosses over John's face at the prospect. "It's just around this corner."

John's practically bouncing on the balls of his feet by the time they round the building blocking their view of the elaborate arched walkway which Matty had successfully managed to decorate with strings of lights and a ridiculous amount of flowers, the soft glow spilling across the dim street, imbuing their surroundings with a calming aura that's almost ethereal in nature.

John gasps happily as he observes the scene, his eyes glittering with more brilliance than anything else when he turns to Ross with a joyful grin once they reach the apex of the small path.

It seems as if Matty somehow managed to keep people away as well despite Ross's skepticism. He had said something about staging himself and George on the cross street in the hopes of drawing fans that way and blocking the traffic in Ross and John's direction, but whatever he did, it worked. There is no one in sight besides a pair of children kicking a ball in the distance, leaving Ross and John blessedly alone for the time being.

"This is beautiful Ross, we have to take a photo," John exclaims, his hand fumbling in his trousers for his phone until Ross stills him with a gentle grip on his wrist.

"It's for you, the boys and I had it decorated earlier tonight."

"That's lovely," John exhales heavily, awe tingeing his statement as he gazes up at Ross, his expression laced with shock and appreciation, "how did you manage that?"

"It doesn't matter, but Matty orchestrated most of it really," Ross smiles, pulling John closer to him as he speaks, reaching for the ring in his pocket with trembling fingers as John falls against him willingly.

"It's wonderful," John sighs as Ross brushes his hair back from his face with his free hand, his touch lingering as he brings to bear all of his courage so he can utter the question that's been gnawing away at his insides for weeks.

Time seems to slow down as Ross forces the words in his head to emit past his lips, the moment dragging out for ages as he stares at John steadily, his heart racing and his palms sweating as he poses the query that could make this man his for the rest of their lives, which is a dream that he hopes will become reality within the next minute.

"I wanted to bring you somewhere special so I could ask you if...John, will you marry me?"

Ross congratulates himself for not stuttering or fainting as he holds the ring out to John warily, only to realize that he's forgotten to get down on one knee seconds later, but none of that really matters as long as John says yes.

John claps his palm over his mouth in shock, his eyes going wide and a shiver making its way down his spine as he gazes up at Ross with pure adoration pouring off of him. Ross waits for John to speak, to say yes so he can kiss him like he's aching to, but John seems at a loss for words, although Ross can tell his reaction is a positive one.

"I - _Ross_..." John chokes out, a few tears spilling down his cheeks before he all but drags Ross against his mouth, the pressure of his lips saying everything without the need for a verbal response.

Ross kisses him back eagerly, pulling John against his chest while making sure to keep a tight grip on the ring, tasting salt, and wine, and John all wrapped up into one as his tongue gently grazes the inside of his mouth.

"So I'm assuming that's a yes?" Ross asks when John pulls back to wipe at his tears, only for another round to replace the ones he's eliminated from his flushed face.

" _Yes_ \- oh my god, I had no idea. This is why you've been acting so off lately isn't it, and I was upset with you this morning, I'm _so_ sorry, I just -"

"Sweetheart, you're fine, you're _perfect_ actually," Ross laughs, leaning in to steal another kiss before actually getting down on one knee so he can present the ring to John again. "Can I put it on?" Ross asks when John only starts crying again, a sob mixing with a laugh bubbling out of his throat as he defeats the purpose of Ross being on the ground by kneeling next to him and throwing his arms around his neck.

John is still too choked up to speak, so he simply nods rapidly, holding his left hand out to Ross, the appendage visibly trembling when Ross grasps it lightly.

"It's engraved inside," Ross tilts the band into the light although the writing is still hard to see. "It says _'I will never stop loving you'_."

"And I won't," John sniffles quietly once Ross slips the ring onto his finger, his hand flexing so he can admire the way the silver band glints brightly in the cheery glow that's pouring from the numerous strings of lights. "I meant it then and I mean it now, _fuck_ \- I love you so much Ross."

"I love you too," Ross beams, pulling John toward him when his own eyes begin to sting with a sudden rush of unbridled happiness, holding his boyfriend - no, his _fiancé_ close as a slight breeze picks up, blowing a few stray petals around their entwined forms in a manner that almost seems planned.

Ross sighs happily when John tilts his chin up, bringing him in for another kiss filled with passion, and longing, and love, and the promise of a future filled with a thousand more kisses and magical moments like these.


End file.
